Revising this sonnet was tough. I understand meter and I can pull off rhyme when I have to, but doing them together just might kill me. Dr. Burton is officially a mad wizard.
My first order of business was to write a closing couplet that I liked. It was easier to make cuts and changes after I knew where I wanted to end. I've had a difficult time keeping a narrative flow while rhyming (who else is grateful for rhyming dictionaries?), and there's one or two lines I'm worried about with the accents of iambic pentameter. Any and all criticism is welcome!
I found that I really hated the "corrode" line because it felt bulky, so I revamped a little producing an official 4th draft. I think I'm finally happy.
Needing/Getting by OK GO
It’s months I’ve been waiting, patient, sincere,
Until your tired, baggaged heart is patched.
Need warps the mind and reason disappears
Yet getting is different, some dream detached.
Such dreams against a tender heart prevail
If love’s alteration is the attempt.
When I try to forget you, logics fail,
Creating “what ifs” to haunt my lament.
Still I’m hoping for months—hoping for years—
That amnesia, dementia, or disease
Disables my mind and numbs all my fears.
This stagnation of choice may then unfreeze.
I would wait evermore for a story
That ends with anyone but me being lonely.
1st draft
I’ve been waiting for months, lingering near
Til the weight of your baggaged heart will mend.
Need wraps the mind and reason disappears
Yet getting is an endless road to wend.
False dreams will a quick mind’s defense erode
If alternation in love you attempt.
Fate parts our lives with walls I can’t corrode
Grace taunts and haunts me in my snubbed lament.
I’ve been hoping for months—for years—
Hoping amnesia, dementia, disease
Cripple my mind and numb my heart with fears.
Fool! Love falls not to will or kneeling pleas.
As such my love keeps its twice-quenched flame
While my fixation can’t recall my name.
Your rhymes are really strong (especially clever is disease and pleas). The first lines meter is a little off. I've feels stressed and waiting is accented on the first syllable. You could change it to something more like "for months I have been waiting, staying near." "a bright mind's defense" seems to place emphasis on bright mind and -fense. You might try "such dreams a bright full/free (or some other adjective) mind's defense erode," just to make the pentameter stronger. "If it's love's alteration" could work but maybe shifting love to a strong accent will make it clearer. Like "If love's the alteration you attempt." I hope some of this is useful.
ReplyDeleteThank you John! I will tinker with those.
DeleteGood job! I went through your poem a couple times and I really only notice the first line as being off as well. However, what brought the first line to my attention was the lingering.. but it could be because you start with "for months" which usually when we start that at a beginning of a sentence it is more like an exclamation which altogether has more weight to it. So maybe if you are still having issues revising it, try taking the "for months" out of the beginning or the lingering out all together. Great couplet at the end though!
ReplyDeleteI think I see what you mean. I'll post a new draft shortly. Thank you!
DeleteLove the third and fourth lines! Nice :) The first line (maybe it's just me though!) sounds a little off... it may be the 'been', I don't know if it's supposed to be stressed... but I'm struggling with this meter thing so I could be completely wrong :P But either way, great poem!!
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