So I had a few issues trying to revise this... and to be honest I'm not sure how well it worked out... A couple words like 'erode' just killed me. I just sat there saying it over and over out loud, trying to get it an other lines right. But I've read this so manny time now that I just don't know anymore, so I'm excited for the feedback!
Where, then, has it gone?
A dead leaf falls, till, landing lives again
Upon the back of flowing water warm
Till, oppressed, it soon begins to sink
As pushed and lost under white water’s storm
And there, below the surface, driven on
Then pinned ’neath water’s weight and muddy rock
It watches time take place, the river long
Which stone erodes, so marking time's own clock
Now worn and tired, pressed on to reach the dawn
To meet the horizon, to greet the sky
And kiss the sun then, current-pulled, move on
Leaving only a softly whispering sigh
But past horizons, what lies there, or flows?
And where, then, has it gone? Nobody knows.
I enjoyed reading this! I did notice that the "l" words you put stress on don't quite have the same strong, stressed feel that other words like "sink" and "storm" have. However, I like the first few uses-- "leaf," "landing," and "lives"-- because it kind of sounds like the leaf is being swept along by the current. So I think it works as a conscious choice, but "long" doesn't work as well. "Leaving" works well because the unstressed syllable is the one starting with an "l."
ReplyDeleteGood sonnet! I like the subject matter, and I especially like the volta. I feel like there are only a few awkward iambic pentameter lines. I feel like "under" is usually said UNder, but in the line it comes out as unDER. I think the stressed syllable just needs to be switched. I also think "'neath" is a little too Shakespearean, like Professor Burton was saying. It doesn't feel natural because people don't talk like that now.
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