For my revision, I changed up a few of the lines that felt awkward. I realized that the word Jerusalem is probably one of those words that just doesn't go in a sonnet, so I took it out completely. I also changed the last two lines to both fix the iambic pentameter and make them more clear. If there's any other problems (especially with the meter) please let me know!
Two Mites
An Imitation of Mark 12:41-44
A widow once in ancient Israel
Went forth with all she had to pay her tithe.
Though she was poor, she pleased the Master well,
Unlike the rich fit for the devil’s scythe,
Whose wealth they gave displayed for all to see.
Not one of these great men who never missed
A single coin of all they gave so free,
Would ever have the faith to be so blessed
As was this humble daughter of the Son
Who gave two coins with love sincere
For God, for Him, her Lord, the Holy One
Whose faultless life would pay our ransom dear.
Today we hold in hand two mites and more
To give us wealth or let our hearts be poor.
Wow, you have a really solid iambic pentameter! I like the flow of the poem too! One thing I would say is that the rhyme 'blessed' and 'missed' is slightly jarring to me as an outside reader. It works as a slant rhyme but it feels a little weak because of the vowel sounds. The rest of the poem is solid so this is a slight critique, it was the only thing I could find so take it for what it is worth. Good job!
ReplyDeleteI really like your poem too! Great job in the iambic pentameter! I think the only thing that might make your poem better would be to put in an enjambment, or even a couple of them. It seems like every line has a complete thought enough that I am naturally putting in a breath at each line even if you didn't intend that or put punctuation there. So because of that, it makes the rhyming stand out more.
ReplyDeleteI like the topic you picked, it was really neat. I may be wrong (Iambic pentameter is starting to get a little fuzzy, I've done it/forced it so much in the past few days :P) but I think you're one syllable short on the first line :)
ReplyDeleteExcellent revisions. Jerusalem would have been creative to use, but I think you made the right decision
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