Revising this sonnet was tough. I understand meter and I can pull off rhyme when I have to, but doing them together just might kill me. Dr. Burton is officially a mad wizard.
My first order of business was to write a closing couplet that I liked. It was easier to make cuts and changes after I knew where I wanted to end. I've had a difficult time keeping a narrative flow while rhyming (who else is grateful for rhyming dictionaries?), and there's one or two lines I'm worried about with the accents of iambic pentameter. Any and all criticism is welcome!
I found that I really hated the "corrode" line because it felt bulky, so I revamped a little producing an official 4th draft. I think I'm finally happy.
Needing/Getting by OK GO
It’s months I’ve been waiting, patient, sincere,
Until your tired, baggaged heart is patched.
Need warps the mind and reason disappears
Yet getting is different, some dream detached.
Such dreams against a tender heart prevail
If love’s alteration is the attempt.
When I try to forget you, logics fail,
Creating “what ifs” to haunt my lament.
Still I’m hoping for months—hoping for years—
That amnesia, dementia, or disease
Disables my mind and numbs all my fears.
This stagnation of choice may then unfreeze.
I would wait evermore for a story
That ends with anyone but me being lonely.
1st draft
I’ve been waiting for months, lingering near
Til the weight of your baggaged heart will mend.
Need wraps the mind and reason disappears
Yet getting is an endless road to wend.
False dreams will a quick mind’s defense erode
If alternation in love you attempt.
Fate parts our lives with walls I can’t corrode
Grace taunts and haunts me in my snubbed lament.
I’ve been hoping for months—for years—
Hoping amnesia, dementia, disease
Cripple my mind and numb my heart with fears.
Fool! Love falls not to will or kneeling pleas.
As such my love keeps its twice-quenched flame
While my fixation can’t recall my name.
