Writing a sonnet is horribly hard. And I have to admit that Iambic pentameter is not my friend. I also have a headache now from nodding my head while trying while trying to get this pattern down. So here goes!
Dark hills sleep off at evening in the west
Where sunset hovers like a silent sound
Of golden hooves sang songs to bloody rest
Old bones of battle warriors under ground.
Far off from now all though the banner ways
Where flash the legions darkened from the sun
He fades in mist and whisper last of days
Were fading too and all the wars are done.
His lofty fame said vague shall not be small
Perhaps the town would find him far from shout
Half clouded with a screeching crimson call
Of roses thrown on smiles and many doubts.
More than that life had never been begun
To evil no important triumph won.
Your poem evokes a beautiful image-- kind of Lord of the Rings post battle. :) The third stanza confused me, specifically the first two lines. Perhaps I'm just misinterpreting it, but I'm having a hard time finding how it connects to the rest of the poem. It doesn't really read as coherent sentences so much as vague half-images. Maybe that's the feel you're going for, though. (Also, the first sentence of the second stanza is slightly confusing. I don't get the "ways" word choice.) But I think that the overall effect is very ethereal and lovely!
ReplyDeleteI love it! Great poem. As far as I can tell, your iambic pentameter is perfect! There were only a few things that stood out to me that were a little out of place, but that's only because I'm really looking for something.... :) I think the line "vague shall not be small" sounds slightly too Shakepearian because people no longer say "shall" and so it feels like a modern sonnet is using nonmodern English. I would say your volta also doesn't feel like a big "turn" but could just be a continuation of the lines before it.
ReplyDeleteI love it! Great poem. As far as I can tell, your iambic pentameter is perfect! There were only a few things that stood out to me that were a little out of place, but that's only because I'm really looking for something.... :) I think the line "vague shall not be small" sounds slightly too Shakepearian because people no longer say "shall" and so it feels like a modern sonnet is using nonmodern English. I would say your volta also doesn't feel like a big "turn" but could just be a continuation of the lines before it.
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