September Trees, Take 2. Action

Okay, I revised quite a bit, trying to whip it more firmly into the iambic pentameter and also smooth out some of the rougher patches. I have to say, it's a lot more fun redrafting than creating for the first time. The first thing I did was go and rework several lines that I felt were less than effective. You'll notice the candlesticks are new, relax and that are the end rhymes of the last couplet and so on. Then I made sure to fix the iambic pentameter, like were I removed 'dead' from 'dead cover' because it was too accented. ST's still got a ways to go, but it learned its lines better this time so let's see now it performs. Someday it might be ready for the Globe, or at least an Off-Globe production, who knows?

Take #2

September trees are slightly different.
Their stems still shoot out leaves which raise
The green from grass into the firmament.
The summer’s planted hard, yet glazes
In yellow blades onto each far leaf-end.
These stay in place until the weather slips,
And slowly rolls a cover to each stem,
Than drop from off the waxless candlesticks.
I am a cultured new September tree,
Which soon must brace against the winter weight,
Without the safety of my canopy,
In hope its energy will hold me straight.
But trees do always easily submit
To change and I cannot, and envy that.

Take #1

September’s trees are slightly different,

Their stems still shoot out leaves, and lift

The green from grass into the firmament.

Summer is planted but is taught to shift

A gentle brown into each far leaf-end

To hedge the trees against the next autumn

And slowly roll dead covers to each stem,

Planning for when the trees are bare columns.

I am the same as a September tree

And soon must stand against the winter weight,

Without the safety of my canopy,

Planning its stored reserve will hold me straight.

But nature’s taught to trees, calmly submit

To change and I do not, and envy it.