It was a difficult process to fix my sonnet. Some lines were too short, others were too long and some just didn't fit the rhythm. I had alter some of the lines to fit and some lines I had to completely rewrite. It was hard to rewrite lines and still make them fit into the rhyme scheme. For each line I would carefully count each foot to make sure I had the right amount of feet in each line.
Shall I explain to thee my OTP?
Because their love so true, their bond so strong
why whatever else could they be to me
but loving, living now forever long.
some people are too stupid, foolish to see
the light that brightly shines within his eyes,
the gentle upturn of his lips is free
a shame if such a love you could deny
compared to suns and moons eternally
oh the horrific shipping wars that come
they argue, insult, rage, ridiculously
the warriors of ships will beat their drum
as sure as suns and moons again will rise
my love for OTP shall never die
"Why whatever else" feels off to me. When I say "whatever" I usually put the accent on the second syllable. Also, you forgot to capitalize "some" in line 5 and a couple places need punctuation (lines 7 and 14). Otherwise, it was good! I didn't see any other problems with the meter. I think it flows a lot better than the first version too.
ReplyDeleteGreat job! I think you got almost everything. There's one line that might have too many words. Line 5.
ReplyDelete"Ridiculously" felt a little unnatural to me, but I think that's because I shorten it when I pronounce it... Otherwise, I loved this! It flowed much smoother.
ReplyDeleteI really like the poem! Iambic pentameter was pretty easy to follow but line 3 felt like I had to stutter a little to read it..the flow felt a little off to me there
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