In my revision process I had a really hard time coming up with what I should keep and get rid of because there were lines that I had issues with the iambic pentameter, so to fix that I would change the rhyme scheme and then have to change other lines. So it got really complicated of having to revise and maintain the parts that were good in the poem. Ultimately, I ended up taking a couple lines to lead up to a bigger picture at the end so that it wouldn't be so complicated. I also had fun searching for synonyms for a bunch of different words in order to find a version of what I was trying to say in a different form that would include less or more syllables and things like that. It is hard, but this is what I came up with:
I sit upon the boulder out of breath,
Just close enough to peek beyond the ledge.
Extending down to meet the floor, with death
At mercy of the wind; No safety hedge
To catch me if I fall.
A butterfly
Attracts my gaze and guides my eyes to see
All mountain peaks uniting with the sky,
Continuing much like eternity.
I feel as though there’s someone there, I rise,
With no one close, I sense the heavy air
Enclose like angels, witnessing my sighs
To make of them a glorifying prayer.
All this to us
prove true divinity,
And yet,
somehow, God still finds time for me.
Great job! I think that it flows very well and the pentameter is solid. The only spot I would look at is where you have "prove true." I have a slight tendency to want to stop on prove, but its slight.
ReplyDeleteI find any noticeable hiccups in the rhythm. The only part I would take a closer look at is the 3rd stanza. I like the way it builds on itself, but it also feels incomplete as a sentence. Maybe there are some comma splices?
ReplyDeleteI like the changes you made, especially to the line about the angels! It's clearer and sounds better, too :)
ReplyDelete